Monday, July 21, 2014

Dancing up a river in the dark

Thursday morning in the winter sun
New Kenzo slides and '60s printed board.
'What you don't see is better yet', 2014, collage.

Working on some illustrations!
Collage collage
Deadline mess
Trying to keep warm in my studio
Beautiful Ella in the bathroom. I saw the IRL Ella in there too!
Glam selfie post gig - a glalfie?
Instagram photo of a new work in progress 
At 23 years old, I've finally come to a point where I'm truly enjoying and even wanting to socialize. Instead of letting weekends pass by uninterrupted with the presence of someone not related to me by blood, I'm making plans to go out. I want to go out. I even almost look forward to and get excited to go out. This is very, very unusual for me and is totally at odds with how I know how to navigate life. I feel like I'm sort of flying the nest a little and widening my circles. I am so happy because this is what I wanted to happen this year, and it has, and I'm not even forcing it anymore.

While trying to wrap my head around this hopefully permanent change of heart, I'm learning so much. I've learnt so much more about PEOPLE, their little eccentricities, a part of me newly understands why everyone places so much importance on friendships, relationships and closeness - because it's amazing. It's not like I've been housebound up until now - I did used to go out and have friends whom I loved and still love - but I just feel so much more compelled to organize drinks with someone, to just have company. Instead of wanting to go home after work, I want to go and hang out with someone. This really is a remarkable shift for me.

I think a part of this is that my little niggling anxieties about staying out after a certain time or not knowing how I'd get home or if I'd have a good time or say the right things, have faded. I think this is inadvertently through hanging out with a certain person I've met recently. With them I don't worry about what time it is. I don't even think about time, or distance, or logistics. I'm just having fun. And I've never been able to truly have fun without niggling worries before. It's the wildest most uninhibited experience I've ever had, even if it only lasts for an evening, or a few hours - it's bliss. I guess that's youth. It's strange that I've had to grow into it.

I can't believe I've maintained the social life I have lately with the amount of work I've been doing. It's kind of like I'm bouncing off these social interactions back to making work, and vice versa - each way feeling more compelled towards the other. Nothing is more inspiring for making art like company. On Friday night after work I went out with my dear friend Brodie to dinner at a fancy place on Flinders Lane, and then to Ella Hooper's gig at Shebeen. It was a really nice night, I met a couple of new people, but mainly got to spend time with Brodie, telling her all my woes and vice versa, then laughing about the ridiculousness of our respective situations. She's the best person to talk to to put things in perspective. I got home late but stayed up later just thinking about stuff, spending some one on one time with this new part of myself.

I was out again on Saturday night hanging out with someone whose time here is quickly running out. They are leaving for a long stint overseas in August. I've realised that it is possible to feel highs and lows at precisely the same moment, and that the irony entwining those feelings together is what makes it so vexingly beautiful. My friend Georgia said two words to me in a text message on Saturday afternoon as we were discussing our respective plans for the evening: "Have fun." I'm going to be a little bit careful, keep my fragile little heart in the back of my mind, but in the meantime that's pretty much what I plan to do.

Fun + work... I can't forget to do work. But I also can't forget that I'm young, and that these are the things I've felt I should be doing for years, while I happily did the opposite - sitting at home alone drawing, blogging or writing in my journal, planning and scheming my career trajectories, dreams and goals. I don't want to live so much in my head anymore. It's too hard, too cold and lonely. While I do credit my time spend lonely and indoors, working on my "shhhh.." as what has gotten me to where I am now in regards to my work and practice, you have to make sure that it's not the only thing you're putting first. I've always known I can have it all, but it's a helluva lot easier when you want it all.


  1. the kenzo slides!! and omg I totally feel you. Balancing is hard but I'd rather that than not have anything to balance...I'd rather be busy than bored!

  2. " I've always known I can have it all, but it's a helluva lot easier when you want it all "