|Made this collage yesterday and weirdly it really fits with this post!|
Last night, I, Minna Gilligan, went clubbing. Well I went to one club - I feel using 'clubbing' as a verb sort of implies you went to multiple clubs? Or, is 'clubbing' just the act of being at a club, dancing and drinking and stuff? I'm not totally sure. Anyway, it was my friend Therese's birthday and I've been friends with her since I was 12 no joke. She goes out to clubs all the time and invited me to come along with the stipulation like "you don't have to come!" but I wanted to go because she is my very good friend and it was her birthday and just because it's "not my scene" which sounds totally snobby, you gotta suck it up and you might actually surprise yourself and have a good time!
I have to say, and this is weird - but I was nervous? I mean I get nervous for pretty much every single social thing I do or actually just leaving the house you know but I was actually feeling really self-conscious about what I should wear and how I should do my hair and stuff! I ended up going with a plain black and navy silk dress I got from Gorman and my Alpha60 Daria shoes. A kind of inconspicuous outfit which is what I felt like wearing. I also wore my plastic blue hoop earrings.
The club we went to was called CQ and it is in the city on Queen Street I think. They play like songs like 'Blurred Lines' or whatever so I knew some of the music! (phew!) I was fascinated by the people there. You all know that I live in my 'own world' - in a most extreme way now that I don't go to high school anymore. If I 'go out' it's to an exhibition opening, a small party hosted by one of my friends, or a dinner of Japanese or African food. My world is very small and intimate fostered by close friendships mainly with VCA graduates or similar. It's easy to forget sometimes that there are other worlds out there, and they're usually a lot bigger than my little bubble, and I found it really interesting to be a part of someone else's world for a night.
I felt pretty self conscious with what I was wearing and my hair wasn't perfectly straightened or curled it was just like kind of frizzy as usual. Everyone there was immaculately groomed. All of the girls wore tight clothing and long spindly heels - they drink vodka and raspberry and 'the guys' (who, mind you, STUNK of cheap deodorant! I hadn't experienced that in FOREVER) drink beer. People have roles to play. It seemed very ordered in a sense of what people do there. It's mostly girls on the dancefloor early in the night, then a few creepy 'grabby' guys filter on there. Lots of girls were encouraging the random grabby behavior by responding to it positively which seems problematic to me. I just felt like yelling at any guy who did anything like that to me or my friend. Some girls there read that inexcusable behavior as a compliment which is so skewed. But this is me, purely as an outsider in this world so I'm supposed to be just observing.
I didn't have a bad night at all - one particular moment when we were all dancing to 'Get Low' by, ah, Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys (of course) I had serious flashback moments. That song was played at every Eclipse (underage disco), Sweet 16th, and 'parents-are-away party' we went to. We'd *grind* to the best of our prepubescent ability (or my prepubescent ability - I was a late bloomer) and it was fun and super super innocent or something. Dancing to the same song now with the same girls a good 8 years later was SO weird. It felt exactly like high school and I remembered when I was at the Eclipse when I was 13 and really not having a worry in the world except if a particular boy was going to be there and if my hair was straight enough. It was okay because Dad would be there to pick us up at 10pm and for a couple of hours we were free to laugh and run around in our intensely planned outfits bought from Supré and dance in a lil circle around each other scream yelling the lyrics to every song.
Often I think there's a difference between being nostalgic for something and missing something. Nostalgia is remembering something fondly often through rose tinted glasses - missing something is really wanting to physically be transported back to that place and time then realizing the impossibility of this and crying face down on your bed. I feel high-pitched sigh-inducing nostalgia for those teen dream times but I certainly don't miss them. It was nice to have a little reminder last night, but I was also reminded of the feeling I always had in high school that was heightened after I got home from some party - particularly as I got to be 17 and 18 - and it was a feeling that something was missing. I was never truly satisfied with grinding to 'Get Low' and then going home. It wasn't for me which is why I went to Art School or whatever. Now I love that I can have these friendships with ma girls from high school and also feel like I am who I am. 'Get Low' (aside from its sexist lyrics) is fine in moderation - but personally I needed something else too and I'm glad that now I know what that was.