I had to go to a funeral today. I didn't want to go at all but I don't imagine anyone really ever wants to go to a funeral. I don't like funerals because of the obvious reasons - e.g thinking about one's own mortality and the mortality of those close to them and the crying. I'm really stiff when it comes to crying in front of other people, I only do it if something's really sad. There's this trick I've learnt over the years to stop yourself crying which is to press your tongue to roof of your mouth. It worked a treat today, up until a point. I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't cry in public but I just do. I'm pretty uptight and repressed and generally emotionally and mentally fucked up.
Anyway so the funeral was really sad. As usual I'm always stunned so seriously by the fact that someone can just die. They can be young, vibrant, fit, healthy, they can make sarcastic jokes, cry in public or in private, they can listen to the Rolling Stones, they can love and lose love and read books and put posters up on their walls and pick their nose but they can also just, die. Just, like, that. I'm surprised this fact still renders me speechless even with my particularly morbid way of thinking about things - I feel like it will forever remain the most shocking immovable fact of life - the fact that at ANY point, it can cease to continue. With almost the velocity of a snap of a finger. I will never get over that. It's incredible, almost brilliant.
I think it's my Catholic upbringing but I always feel closest to some kind of 'higher power' in church. I'm not talking about God because I don't even know if I believe in 'God' as such and it's not like I even go to Church anymore except for the occasional funeral or wedding but when I do, like today, everything always seems beautiful and the statues of Jesus and Mary almost seem to really be watching me and the hymns reach the heavens and the candles flicker at the strong prophetic wind coming through the window and blowing the hair of the mourner on stage who's dappled with this kind of rainbow light from the stained glass windows. It's so divine and in many ways I love it like a child filled with awe and wonderment about heaven and 'God' and the mystery of life and death. Alas I'm getting carried away. Here is the song that was played today, it's perfect and I'll leave it at that.