I am aware that thinking about it is vastly worse than actually doing it and I don't know why I continue to put myself through this sufferance. At times it is just torture, and what's more - the longer I put it off, the more difficult it gets. Dread and fear is paralyzing.
I woke up at 5.30 this morning and a song came on the radio. It was The Mamas & the Papas 'Dedicated To The One I Love'. There is a lyric in it that was incredibly poignant at 5.30am when I guess anything could be... but it is "The darkest hour is just before the dawn". This is EXACTLY what dread it like. I gradually fantasize the undesirable to be the darkest most awful thing in the universe and then just as I believe I'd rather die than see it through, time thrusts me into it and in comparison to the dark monster it became in my mind it is a walk in the park - a sunrise.
Above are some drawings I have been doing. I caved and put a bookmark in Sylvia for a while and cracked open the textas. I'm bringing back the graph paper. 2nd year is so retro.