Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I lost my bearings on the way home today, both literally and metaphorically. It was dark and raining and after an exhibition opening I got on the wrong tram and realized all too late that I was going the wrong way. I got off, and rather than asking someone or consulting a route map I decided to walk to where I needed to be. So I walked, I walked through the whole city in the rain and I really needed to do it.

I love walking. I love the idea that you can get somewhere totally unreliant on anything else but your physicality and will to move one leg in front of the other. I thought a lot when I walked tonight, not unusual for me however the combination of a little left over teen angst with the rain and my lack of umbrella and the fact that I just finished reading John Green's 'Looking For Alaska' and people outside restaurants asking me if I was "dining alone tonight?" made for a few overarching philosophical thoughts/questions that boiled down to this real corker "What the hell am I doing?"

After my journey home that - including walking time and train time and wrong tram time - took about two hours - I came to the conclusion that I don't know. Not only do I not know what I'm doing, but I don't know what I want. I also came to the conclusion that I think I'm okay with this. What matters to me right now is that the sun rises tomorrow and shines on my face through my window and I get out of bed and smile at some point in during the day. That I draw and write and think and read and listen. That I spend time with those who make me laugh and cry equally and I feel every spectrum of happy and sad.

I'm just going to keep walking, not knowing where I'm going. Maybe people will choose to walk with me for a few blocks, in the rain, with no umbrella - but if not, like tonight, I'll make it home safe eventually and into bed thinking about that sun tomorrow. Winter sun, but sun that lights up that sky nonetheless.


  1. i will walk with you in the rain just ask

  2. Thanks Anonymous, although it may be hard for you as an unidentifiable figment on the internet to physically walk with me I'm sure you'll give it your best shot.