I lost my bearings on the way home today, both literally and metaphorically. It was dark and raining and after an exhibition opening I got on the wrong tram and realized all too late that I was going the wrong way. I got off, and rather than asking someone or consulting a route map I decided to walk to where I needed to be. So I walked, I walked through the whole city in the rain and I really needed to do it.
I love walking. I love the idea that you can get somewhere totally unreliant on anything else but your physicality and will to move one leg in front of the other. I thought a lot when I walked tonight, not unusual for me however the combination of a little left over teen angst with the rain and my lack of umbrella and the fact that I just finished reading John Green's 'Looking For Alaska' and people outside restaurants asking me if I was "dining alone tonight?" made for a few overarching philosophical thoughts/questions that boiled down to this real corker "What the hell am I doing?"
After my journey home that - including walking time and train time and wrong tram time - took about two hours - I came to the conclusion that I don't know. Not only do I not know what I'm doing, but I don't know what I want. I also came to the conclusion that I think I'm okay with this. What matters to me right now is that the sun rises tomorrow and shines on my face through my window and I get out of bed and smile at some point in during the day. That I draw and write and think and read and listen. That I spend time with those who make me laugh and cry equally and I feel every spectrum of happy and sad.
I'm just going to keep walking, not knowing where I'm going. Maybe people will choose to walk with me for a few blocks, in the rain, with no umbrella - but if not, like tonight, I'll make it home safe eventually and into bed thinking about that sun tomorrow. Winter sun, but sun that lights up that sky nonetheless.